1) Due to travel, I haven’t seen my trainer for more than a week. I’m now coming down with something that feels like it’s going to get very unpleasant, so I am considering not seeing her later this morning (for what would be our last session before both she and I head abroad for the holidays).

2) About that travel: I had a blast in New York, and am just thankful I was pretty active, with lots of walking, and one early morning session in Central Park, but that was quite rushed due to the lateness of daybreak and the earliness of my appointments. Because, foodwise? I was not doing too well. I tried to stick to whole, unprocessed foods, and stayed away from alcohol every night but one (when I only had two drinks over the course of about four hours). But I was powerless in the face of genuine New York City cheesecake, not to mention the scrambled eggs and bacon breakfast quesadillas at Norma’s. Even that granola up there was deceptive – it looked like there would only be a sprinkling of it, with berries, on top of a cup of yoghurt. But there was actually a ton of granola, a little bit of yoghurt, and a few berries. I didn’t finish it, but hate wasting calories on stuff like that. PLUS, American Airlines said they had no record of my request for a low-fat, low-calorie meal on my flights, then later told me that they did, but it didn’t matter, because they don’t serve that option on the London-to-NYC route. So…WHY OFFER IT? Argh.

3) I’m jetlagged, tired, getting sick, and stressed about upcoming travel and general holiday crap.

4) Due to the amount of time and money I am having to devote to exercise, physiotherapy, and therapy – plus a heavier workload starting next month – I am tweaking my routine somewhat. I am going to see my trainer once a week, go to Pilates once a week, have physiotherapy once a week, and join a gym for workouts when I can fit them in during the rest of the week. Luckily, my trainer is very cool with this and understands completely.

5) I’ve had some pretty key breakthroughs in my therapy, which have blown me away in terms of what they have revealed to me. But what they have revealed is not really that pleasant, and actually quite hard to get my head round at the moment. Being told that you were denied the most basic element in developing into a well-adjusted adult, and that the window of opportunity for getting that element was small, and that having missed it, there’s no way you can ever compensate for it, and that the only option is to immerse yourself in the pain of having missed it, and to get closer to the ‘bad’ part of you, if you want any hope of living a healthier life…is kind of rough. (If you struggle with any kind of addiction or self-destructive behaviour, and you had a narcissistic mother, feel free to email me at dynamist AT gmail DOT com for more details.) Don’t get me wrong: It’s interesting and satisfying to put these pieces of the puzzle together, and to get to the bottom of things which I thought were inexplicable or all my fault. I walked out of my therapist’s office last week feeling really positive and good about what I’m learning – and I am going to learn how to manage all this in a way that will make my life better.

But still. It’s hard.

It helps to have a partner as incredibly and unceasingly supportive as the one I have, and to have good friends I can talk to about things, but in the end, I have to deal with all this in solitude. (The same is true for all of us, with our own individual baggage.) With that, I am not doing so well. Years of sweeping this stuff under the carpet is now catching up with me, and in a not very pleasant way.

Consequently, this past week has felt like a write-off in terms of food and exercise. People keep giving me gifts of chocolate, and I haven’t turned any of it down.

Starting today, though, I am going to be ‘good’ until we leave for America on Saturday. I’ll have to struggle to balance a couple of meals with family and friends before we go, but I’m not going to think, “Sod it, I’m having foie gras on Friday, so I’m just going to eat crap all week.” The all-or-nothing approach gets me nowhere but to guilt and revulsion.

I wish I could be more positive about things, because I am certain that I am headed in the right direction. And if you were to meet up with me in person right now, you’d find me as upbeat as ever. (Something else my therapist wants me to work on: integrating my public and private selves more fully. Now THAT I dread.) It’s just difficult right now, and although I fear I am revealing too much, I keep getting rewarded for doing so. Plus, I’m hoping that when I read this back in a year’s time, I’ll be very relieved at having got through such rough times. That’s the plan, anyway.