The dress pictured here is one that my fiancé bought me in Paris, for my birthday, in late July. At that time I wrote:
I don’t think I’ll fit into it…until next summer
Today, I was reorganizing our closet space and came across the bag containing this dress. I was right in the middle of a huge task, but immediately took off all my clothes and tried this on. When I’d tried it on in Paris, I’d asked Antoine to zip it up; it would only go about midway up my back, but otherwise wouldn’t zip (or maybe it would have, but he would have ripped the delicate linen in the process).
This time, I got Antoine to zip me up…and up it did zip. It fits very well, with a little extra room.
So, you’d think this would mean a lot to me. And, in a way, it does. I’m glad. I would have been really crushed if it hadn’t fit, but I also was not expecting it to do so.
I’m struggling right now, with a lot of things. I’ve been diagnosed as clinically depressed, which is actually something I view as a positive thing – it’s nice to be getting to the bottom of things that have troubled me my entire life. (I’ve probably been depressed since I was about five years old, which is perhaps why I never wanted to believe I was depressed; I can’t remember living any other way.)
So I’m starting to make the connection between my depression and how it manifests in my behavior – eating the wrong things, drinking too much, and arranging my life so that it is so hectic that I won’t have time to slow down and be hit hard by the feelings of depression. My therapist has also shown me how even my incredible impatience is tied to my need never to slow down enough for those feelings to take root.
There are other manifestations too personal to mention here, but my worry right now is that while I am finally making the intellectual connection between these feelings and how I act as a result of them, I am having a hard time feeling the way I should be. Logically, having made such good progress, I should be feeling fantastic. Instead, I almost always feel as if I am getting bigger, even though I know I am shrinking. I obsess on these feelings a lot more than I should. It all gets me down, and lately I am tending to drink more or be more careless in my food choices because I just want some relief. (Another aspect of how my depression manifests is a vein of wanting relief. This is either relief from depression and loneliness, or relief from the pace I subject myself to so that I “won’t have time” to be depressed.)
So, yeah, I am making progress in lots of different ways. Most days, it just doesn’t feel like it. I’m not asking for anyone to give me reassurance – believe me, I get it from lots of people on a daily basis (poor Antoine, always having to hear about how hideous I feel, has it worst) – but if anyone has had a similar experience and would like to share, I’d really appreciate it.
December 3, 2006 at 12:21 am
just stumbled across your blog -very interesting reading. I’ve just started my own attempt to shake myself out of lots of unhealthy habits. And depression is a thread linking lots of negative habits in my life.
have you tried meditation? I did a short course a while ago (am doing another one in January), and i found it was very useful in giving me some distantance to examine the way my mind works.
Good luck – and keep going !
December 3, 2006 at 8:00 am
So sorry to hear this Jackie.
Where you say “Logically, having made such good progress, I should be feeling fantastic. ” – if your depression is anything like those few friends/acquaintances of mine who suffer from this in varying degrees – don’t rely on ‘logic’ for dealing with any of this. You can’t, if your brain is working ‘differently’. Don’t get hung up on thinking you’re not processing your own reactions in a certain way. Your brain, your chemistry, your life — your reactions, whatever they are are abolutely right, however you might worry that they would be seen by others. If that makes any sense…
Keep soldiering on, knowing that you are so obviously loved by all your family and friends!
December 3, 2006 at 1:05 pm
Thanks, raker! I strive to be as rational as possible in life, so it’s difficult for me to accept the inherent irrationality of the situation. (I am what my therapist calls “irrationally depressed” – that is, not depressed ‘over’ anything specific, but just have depression and loneliness hardwired into me as part of who I am. In a way, this cheers me up, because if it’s part of who I am – like, say, my the nose on my face – then it’s not as if I brought it upon myself or anything, which is how I used to feel.)
December 3, 2006 at 5:45 pm
Jackie,
You continue to astound me in your courage, and transparency. I say this to you: congratulations! On many levels.
Years ago, a very good friend of mine introduced me to spirituality — something I didn’t know I needed in my life, but now cannot imagine life without it. He did this by taking me to see Thich Nhat Hanh speak. I can say that no one (speaker/teacher/thinker) has had such a strong impact on my life, thoughts, and actions since. Here’s an excerpt from a talk in which he addresses depression:
“…if you suffer from a depression now, your depression is dukkha, suffering. So you look into your depression; you need your depression in order to understand your depression. You should not try to run away from it. Go back; confront your depression; embrace it and look deeply into it, and you’ll find out after a few days of practice that in the past few months or few years, you have lived in such a way that made depression possible now. Because your depression cannot come just like that, without any cause.
You have got the nutrition, the nutriments, the food that has brought about the depression. What you have eaten, what you have drunk, what you have listened to, what you have viewed, what you have touched, are the kind of nutriments that have made up your depression now. So if you know the nature of your depression, you also know how to stop feeding your depression. And you use other kinds of nutriments for yourself, and a few months later, your depression will be gone.”
You have my support always, albeit from many miles away. I’m incredibly proud of you.
December 3, 2006 at 10:28 pm
I went through postpartum depression a few months ago (which, needless to say, sucked hard). I sought out a therapist, and one thing he said that helped me a lot is: when you are depressed, you’re not seeing things as they really are, you are seeing them through the lens of ‘cognitive distortion.’ And the one-two punch of “I should really be feeling happier than this, I feel guilty that I’m not enjoying this as I should be” isn’t easy, either.
Another thought, though. You are working out hard a few times a week, aren’t you? You may have too much cortisol building up. I have done this, and I remember going to bed one night thinking about how likely it was that I would just stop breathing while I slept. Strange things like that. Given that you are successfully losing weight, cortisol might be your body’s sneaky way of fighting back on that. One way to fight it is a small insulin blip right after heavy exercise, like about 25g of dextrose in a post-workout drink. In my case, I started eating a roll of powdery dextrose candies (Smarties in the US, ‘Rockets’ in Canada, kind of like the filling of sherbet candies in the UK) after lifting weights, and I did better.
December 4, 2006 at 7:55 pm
I’ve had the exact same feeling – being depressed when all external indicators pointed to happiness. I had a great job, great friends, wonderful husband, fabulous new condo, I was applying to grad school and had acceptances rolling in hand over fist…and yet. It turned out I was suffering from SAD – once I started light therapy and made some changes at work (like going outside once a day!), things started looking up. Sometimes having a diagnosis is half the battle. (Though of course it helps that SAD is easily treatable and I don’t have a severe case).
But having also struggled with other bouts of (non-SAD) depression and having also struggled with weight and body image issues, I can tell you that yoga was the single most influential thing that really helped pull me into equilibrium. I do Iyengar yoga, and it has taught me more about accepting myself, inside and out, than anything else. I just go to a class once a week, and my life is sooo much better for it!
Good luck, and good for you for tacking these hard issues.
December 4, 2006 at 8:00 pm
Thank you so much, Tracy. Something for me to chew on, definitely.
ysabella, thanks for that suggestion, and for the wise words from your therapist. I have a feeling I’m not working out THAT hard, but considering my current uncertainty over all things body-related, who knows! I will stock up on Smarties when I’m in NYC next week.
Alicia, I don’t think this is SAD, but it definitely is not helped by all the darkness. It’s pitch black outside by about 4.30PM here in London now, which is a huge drag. I really am curious about yoga, so am going to check out a place nearby someday soon. I just worry that it’s been so hyped up to me that it can’t possibly live up to its press!
December 8, 2006 at 5:07 pm
Jackie,
I already knew that we share a love of beauty products, but in this post you sound so much like me it’s scary. My depression used to manifest itself in less activity – sleeping more, not eating, no social activity, etc. However, in the past several years I’ve arranged my life so that I am constantly busy, which does help in some ways. But no amount of activity can get rid of the constant thoughts and obsessions.
I recently left one of my jobs, and it’s become very clear that I was practicing avoidance behavior. Exercise and yoga, therapy, and just talking to other people have really helped me so far. So what I want to express by way of this long-winded post is that I admire you for putting this out there, I think that you are taking a very constructive approach, and that there are so many people out there who understand what it’s like to get trapped by their thoughts and feelings, even when they know intellectually what is actually going on.
By the way, I am in love with that dress.
December 8, 2006 at 5:15 pm
Mary, it helps me a lot to know I’m not the only one. Thank you.
One thing my therapist has been hammering into me is that I need to resist the urge to judge the way that I am, at least for now. It’s getting in the way of me getting a clear, objective view of myself (which is what is going to help me manage the depression successfully). But it’s hard, when you’re so used to thinking – constantly – about how you’re not up to scratch, to resist the urge. Hearing from people like you – who I do not judge negatively in the slightest for being depressed – is a big help for me in getting objective.
December 8, 2006 at 9:44 pm
Exactly! I think that’s why a lot of people either don’t admit to themselves that they are depressed or don’t try to fix it. I know that I viewed myself negatively for a long time, and still do sometimes. And there have certainly been people in my life who acted as though depression is not a valid problem, or that those who ‘give in’ to their depression are just weak. I think it’s hard for some people to accept that there are fully functioning and successful people that still struggle with this. Your therapist sounds awesome, by the way.